The above was written by Henry Scott Holland who lived from 27 January 1847 to 17 March 1918. He was Regius Professor of Divinity at the University of Oxford
I’ve read that quote often and it brings me hope – as well as the one below, also from Holland:
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says ” there, she is gone!”
“Gone where?”
Gone from my sight. That is all.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says “There, she is gone.” There are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout “Here she comes!”
And that is dying.
It was two years ago today that I learned that Dearest (Alice) had died.
These two years have been a challenge with me missing my best friend, and the challenges of the site she left behind. I’m trying my best to keep the boards going but just a couple days ago, I got an incredibly mean and hurtful email from someone.
Part of that said “People were benefiting from the site for 20 years, and you let everything get ruined. What was great is now completely worthless. Great way of honoring Alice, I hope you feel proud of yourself.”
Everywhere in my home, there are gifts and letters/cards she sent, emails I printed out, reminders all over. I’ll see something on TV and think that Alice and I will have a laugh over that – then I remember all over again.
I miss you so much, Alice! 😦
Despite the bold and assertive name by which the hot flash is known, her origins remain elusive. Of course, doctors and scientists understand many of the mechanisms of menopause such as the reduction in estrogen and the important relationship between the ovaries and the pituitary gland, but the central cause of hot flashes – the heating of a woman’s core – is a secret Mother Menopause has yet to reveal.
“I’ve written editorials that we’ve sent men to the moon and we’ve broken the genetic code, but we cannot really explain the physiology of a hot flash,” said Cynthia Stuenkel, M.D., clinical professor of medicine, endocrinology and metabolism at the University of California, San Diego, School of Medicine in La Jolla, Cal.
What is known then? The hot flash seems to be an equal-opportunity phenomenon, plaguing as many as 75 percent of women, regardless of race or reproductive history. Whether you had children, and how many, and at what age, or remained childless, doesn’t seem to have any correlation with hot flashes, their severity or frequency. Nor does breastfeeding history or the age at which a woman began or stopped menstruating.
Smoking is believed to bring on menopause about one to two years early and some inherited tendencies can mean that women in the same family may see their eggs becoming less responsive around the same time of life. Obesity is believed to cause more hot flashes in some medical circles. But other doctors disagree.
What they do agree upon is that the thermoregulatory center of the brain which regulates temperature somehow loses its typical functioning capacity as estrogen decreases. Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) is produced by the pituitary gland in the brain. Its job is to stimulate the dominant follicle on one of a woman’s ovaries each month to release an egg.
But as the number of eggs decline throughout a woman’s childbearing years, the ovaries makes less estrogen and communicate this situation to the pituitary by “talking back” to it with a hormone called inhibin. The pituitary responds to the decline in estrogen by sending out more FSH, a hormone that is often measured when trying to gauge a woman’s fertility.
What isn’t more intimately understood is how the declining estrogen levels affect thermoregulation in the brain and specifically a center called the hypothalamus. Internal and external symptoms do not mirror the subtleties going on in the brain.
During a typical hot flash, which lasts from two to five minutes, a woman experiences a feeling of heat, usually in the upper torso, as blood vessels dilate. “In some women that are fair you’ll see some redness,” said James Liu, M.D., chair of the department of obstetrics and gynecology at University Hospitals/MacDonald Women’s Hospital at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland, Oh.
Liu said the internal core temperature actually drops a little despite the feeling of heat, while fingertip temperature goes up. Epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, courses through the bloodstream, sometimes causing an increased heart rate.
That can be disconcerting to women who have been taught of late not to ignore what can be the more subtle symptoms of heart attack in women. Liu offers simple advice for determining the difference between a hot-flash-induced pounding heart and a heart attack. “A heart attack is unrelenting,” he explains. “A heart attack episode is constant.”
The pounding heart that comes with the hot flash ends with the heat. Unfortunately, that drop in core temperature often sends women on a rollercoaster ride in the other direction, now feeling cold, and, of course, often very wet from copious sweating.
“We don’t know what triggers the temperature instability. That’s something we’re trying to figure out,” Liu said, echoing Stuenkel, and explaining that normally humans maintain a very stable temperature even under warm conditions.
Sources:
Cynthia Stuenkel, M.D. via phone interview July 3, 2015 James Liu, M.D., via phone interview July 6, 2015
via The Science Behind What Happens In a Woman’s Body During ….
From 10 Ways Perimenopause Is Destroying My Life – The Mid.
1. My Period Is Trying to Kill Me
For years, I enjoyed a regular and uneventful menstrual cycle. Now, I never know when I’m going to get my period. It could be in the next six weeks causing a panicked pregnancy scare, or it could decide to come every two weeks (and always when I’m not expecting it at all, and wearing white pants). How long it will last is also a mystery. Once, I had my period for two days, and another time it lasted a full 12. Cramps, heavy bleeding—I’ve got all that in perimenopause. Last month, I passed something that resembled a London broil. It was as if my entire uterus was trying to escape through my vagina. I don’t like this. I want the boring periods I experienced in my 20s back.
2. I Can’t Sleep
Every day I tell myself that this will be the night that I will go to bed at a decent hour and get a full night’s sleep, but it never happens. My sleep patterns now resemble a newborn’s. I’m up every two hours. I’m hungry, I have to pee, I’m bored. I’ll toss and turn for hours each night, praying that my mind will shut off and let me go to sleep, but nope. Naturally, because of this, I’m exhausted all day long and have to drink a ton of coffee to stay awake. To further torture me, in the past year, my body has decided it doesn’t want to metabolize caffeine like it once used to. I’ve morphed into a hybrid of Lady Macbeth and Cornholio. If you ever see me furiously Irish step-dancing through the aisles of Walmart, I swear it’s not meth. I just had a cup of coffee, because I was tired, because I can’t sleep at night, because of perimenopause. Save me, please.
3. Unexplained Weight Gain
No, I’m not pregnant. I’m just cruelly bloated. They make mom jeans for women like me. Once a sworn enemy, elastic is now my greatest ally. I swear, I haven’t changed my diet at all. If anything, I eat healthier now than ever, but my metabolism is nonexistent these days. I used to be able to rip through nachos, Twix bars and Slurpees, and remain a size four, but now a single Cheeto will force me into a higher dress size.
4. My Body Is Growing Weird Hairs
I hate my teenage self who used to wonder why older ladies always had wiry hair on their chins. Now I know. It’s because those hairs can randomly sprout three inches in about two seconds. And also because we are so old that we can’t even see black whiskers shooting out of our faces. Yes, I’ve accepted it, I’m either turning into Witch Hazel from Looney Tunes, or a walrus.
And when I cough, laugh, or jump up and down. I’m an old house—quaint and charming on the outside, but my plumbing system is a leaky nightmare.
PMS is apparently having its last hurrah with me and is determined to go out with a bang. Irritable doesn’t begin to describe it. Little things set me off: going to IKEA, wanting tortilla chips but being out of them, if my daughter whines because, God forbid, I gave her the wrong plate at lunch, and when my clock ticks too loudly in the middle of the night. It’s awful. Whenever I see a woman on the news who’s had a road rage incident, I sigh knowingly and say that I bet she’s in perimenopause. Sometimes I have fantasies of getting a job at an amusement park haunted house just so I can chase people around with a chainsaw, because most of the time, that’s what I feel like doing anyway. I may as well get paid for it, right?
7. My Skin Is Freaking Me Out
I’m so dry and wrinkly that I think my vagina has cobwebs. I recently read somewhere that during perimenopause “breast tissue may reduce.” Great. That thing sputtering around the room? Not a deflating balloon. That’s my left boob. The skin on my arms and chest is so crepe-y that you could make streamers out of me. Yay! I love looking like a beige party decoration. I found an age spot on my hand the other day, and I also heard that you can get age spots on your nether regions, which is fabulous because I always wanted my crotch to look like a Chinese crested puppy. Said no woman ever.
8. I Can’t Remember Anything
What was I saying? You know that feeling when you’re trying to remember something, and it’s right on the tip of your tongue? That’s me 24/7 these days. They call this brain fog, and I feel like I’ve reached my brain’s natural storage capacity and now it’s malfunctioning from overload. I need an external hard drive for my mind. The number of times in a day when I find myself standing in the middle of a room and have no idea how I got there or what I’m supposed to be doing is staggering. Every time I open an app on my phone, I forget what I meant to look up, log or check. I’ve officially turned into the guy from Memento and am going to have to start writing notes on my skin to piece together my life.
9. Everything Makes Me Cry
Last week, I cried because I saw a high school marching band coming down the street playing Stevie Wonder. I cried at a puppet show, from watching children ride a carousel and over the grand finale of a fireworks display. Forget Idina Menzel. Before she even opens her mouth to sing, I’m weeping uncontrollably.
10. I’m Hot—NO, I’m Freezing
My internal temperature gauge has gone haywire. I wear cardigans in the summer, and bathing suits in the snow. Nothing makes sense anymore.
But that’s the nature of perimenopause—everything is different, it’s confusing, and most women don’t know what to expect. Now that I know I’m not insane, that this stuff is pretty normal, and that I’m not dying from a terrible illness that causes insomnia, vaginal dryness and ugly boobs, I can usually laugh off my symptoms. When I’m not hysterically sobbing, that is. Perimenopause is a sucky part of life, like puberty was, and when it’s over, the very second my last period ends, I’m throwing a huge party. Or, more than likely, just going to bed.
Another birthday is here and I’ve caught up on you age-wise. 😦
Each year, the non-birthday-girl would be planning and plotting online, as well as real-life, surprises. We had hand-made wrapping paper and all sorts of exotic and non-exotic gifts. Right now, I’m wearing a cozy robe from a zillion years ago.
Way back in 1998, when I was learning web design, I posted a whole mini-site for that birthday. Unfortunately, html code no longer allows for the music to play, but I had carefully thought out tunes for each day. The page titles aren’t showing, either.
- The main page title was “Happy Millennium Birthday, Alice!” and played a simple Happy Birthday
- The theme to Perry Mason aka “Peri MasonPause” on the “Flora” page
- the “Born” page had the theme to Alice’s Restaurant with no special title
- the “Robert Redford” page had The Way We Were. The title was “To Alice, from Bob (with lust)”
- the “musician and his music” page was Bach’s Toccata and Fugue and the title was “Happy Bachday, Alice!”
- the “flowers” page was The Rose with no special title
See that site here: http://www.oconnormusic.org/aliceBD/birthday.htm
The last page of that site was particularly important. I’d emailed all of Alice’s past guest speakers and other PS members and compiled this list of great wishes: http://www.oconnormusic.org/aliceBD/guests.htm
We’d be up at 12:01 am, posting wishes, decorating message boards and doing the final touches for websites.
In 2003, I’d apparently posted a picture of Flora Dora (again!) and Alice responded:
MaryO, what can I say other than that it was a wonderful and beautiful surprise to see my guest announcement area turned into a beautiful, sparkling birthday greeting — and Flora Dora, Power Surge’s mascot and RR — but especially your beautiful wishes.
I responded:
After all these years, it’s getting harder and harder to come up with new ideas for how to do an online surprise. There have been a variety of different things for different birthdays, but I have to keep you guessing I hope that you don’t mind that I’m holding the announcement area hostage for a little longer.
I’m sure that many of the newer people don’t know who Flora Dora is, but she’s an essential part of Power Surge so she have to be included somehow – kinda like inviting your maiden aunt to Thanksgiving 🙂 Of course, RR is welcome – anytime! I’m so glad that I could make an online surprise for you again this year – maybe I should start planning for NEXT year already.
I hope we share many more birthdays together as the close friends we’ve become over the years.
On a more serious side, you’re very welcome for the “beautiful wishes”. Sometimes, words fail me and I don’t do things justice, but you and Power Surge have changed my life in so many ways that go beyond “simple” menopause issues. When I first came to Power Surge on AOL, I was a confirmed lurker, reading only, never posting.
The first chat I tried to hide out until you asked me a question, encouraging me to talk. This was all so scary for me, communicating with others – online or off. I can say with confidence, that I’m no longer a lurker on the boards and in the chats like I was, and that was all your doing. Thanks so much for that!
Now I just have to work on my real life lurkership! The knowlege I got here in Power Surge, even when I was lurking, helped me so much with my menopause, my symptoms, my everyday life. Like most everyone else, I learned about the way to help my meno symptoms and I’m so thankful of that, that I could be feeling better.
When my husband was very sick, close to death, my first December in PS, I wouldn’t post, but I would come home from the hospital and read everything that other people were posting. It seemed so great to me, and it was such a comfort to me to know that everyone was out there. I recognized people’s names and enjoyed “listening” to the banter and chatter, and that gave me something other than the hospital and my own worries to think about. No matter what the time of day was, I could always read and see that things were ok with the world, and know that we were going to survive this. What a wonderful community Power Surge is!
Things have come along way since then. My husband made it, thanks to a skilled surgeon and a LOT of prayer. And I gradually changed, too. I’m obviously not afraid to post anymore, or go to chats, and I really have you to thank for that. Over the years there have been many changes, the boards have moved, been started again from scratch, updated, all kinds of things, as have the chats, but one thing remains clear and unchanged – and that Power Surge isn’t just another “website”. It is a true community for women in midlife, something we can gain daily strength from. (sorry about the preposition!)
And it’s all because of you, Dearest Alice Stamm. Thank you so much, and I hope it was a wonderful birthday – you deserve the very best!
Hugs and thanks from the bottom of my heart! Mary
From the message boards in 2004:
From 2005:
We have decided to let you accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old again.
If you want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks, that’s great.
If you want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them, they are calorie-free (today only!).
If you want to lie under a big Oak tree next summer and run a lemonade stand with your friends (and fellow Surgettes) on a hot summers day, we’ll give you a voucher.
That summer-time voucher is also good for walking on the beach and thinking of the sand between your toes and the prettiest seashell you can find. Or you can spend the afternoon climbing trees and riding your bike.
We are returning you to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes. But that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. When all you knew was to be happy because you didn’t know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
You’re going to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.
You’ll be so happy, nothing will make you upset.
We’re going to let you think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good…that anything is possible.
For today, you’re going to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again, returned to the days when reading was fun.
No worries about time, bills, websites that crash, guest chats where the guest can’t get in, excess email, time….No more worry about computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, aches, pains, doctor visits or illness.
We’re going to help you believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, health, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.
You’re going to be 6 again, for today (and probably some of us will want to join you!). From all of us…
QUOTE (Dearest @ Nov 10 2005, 09:23 AM)
Thank you all for your warm and wonderful birthday wishes.
A very special thank you to my friend, MaryO, for the beautiful greeting, for including Power Surge’s mascot, Flora Dora at the top of the screen — and especially for allowing me to be six again even if only for a day 🙂
And I said:
You know, you can always apply for an extension of the day being 6. Click here to apply.
Glad you had a great birthday and much-needed vacation. If you want to extend either of those, please let me know and I’ll see if I can locate an extension for either of those.
Happy Post-Birthday!
In 2006, Alice said:
Thank you ALL for your wonderful birthday wishes and beautiful sentiments about how much Power Surge means to and has done for you. That makes all the years of work that’s gone into this “community” worthwhile (with, perhaps, the exception of dealing with HACKERSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!) 🙂
I don’t know some of you very well. Others I know well and have established lovely friendships with. You know who you are. Thank you, too, for your beautiful flowers, birthday cards, online greetings, etc.
And thank you, my dear friend, MaryO, for starting this topic and for being the sister I never had 🙂 I’m so glad I impulsively decided to give myself a birthday present last month and called saying, “C’mon, let’s go to see Streisand!!” That was the highlight of my/our year. To be sitting so close to her, and SO close to and watching people mingle like: Bill and Hillary Clinton, Lauren Bacall, James Brolin, Katie Couric, Stephen Sondheim, Rosie O’Donnell, Sting, Hugh Jackman, Steven Spielberg, Regis and Joy Philbin, Sara Jessica Parker — and many, many others.
It was like the first time we met a few years ago and stopped into a restaurant only to find a few minutes later that Gena Rowlands, Ben Gazzara, Peter Bogdonovich, Carol Kane and others, whose names elude me at the moment, came in and sat at the table next to us. Knowing me, I had to go over and talk to them, especially Gena Rowlands, who’s still beautiful and elegant and was so gracious.
The past few years, starting with my emergency surgery and all the ensuing complications, my mom’s fall down the stairs and subsequent need for constant care, my dad passing away only four months later and my own ongoing and confusing health issues — too much stress.
The past few months have been better — we’ve both been through a LOT this year especially!
Special thanks to those of you who’ve generously given donations (some of you even more than once) to the site to help defray some of the expenses of running it.
I’m grateful to be alive and very proud of Power Surge and all the women (and men) it’s helped over the years plus all the wonderful women who participate in it 🙂
Alice
And I responded:
To be sitting so close to her…
You mean me…or Barbra? LOL
It was so amazing how that trip worked out. It was the most spontaneous thing I had ever done.
My son was home from grad school for “fall break” formerly known as Columbus Day weekend. He was flying back on Wednesday, through JFK.
After Alice got the tickets for Barbra on Monday (amazing in itself), I was able to get on Michael’s flight to JFK – only one trip to the airport! The flight number was the same as Alice’s street address. Do I hear Twilight Zone music?
What a great birthday gift you got for yourself – thank you so much for sharing it with me 🙂
Happy post-birthday!
From 2007
The top header on the boards:
Followed by
And Alice said…
Firstly, {{{{{MaryO}}}}, my old and dear friend, thank you for starting this topic and for the beautifully creative graphic and sentiments you made for my birthday. I don’t have to tell you what your friendship has meant to me all these years (you already know). Hugs!
Thank you all for your good wishes. Someone wrote to me, “I hope you had a peaceful birthday.” That’s exactly what it was . . . peaceful.
Thank you also for your kind words about Power Surge. It’s been a labor of love for 14 years . . . about to start its 15th year Feb. 3rd, 2008. I have a pretty good idea how many women’s lives have been impacted by this “community.” In all these years, including the start-up years on America Online, I’ve probably posted in the area of 100,000 messages on the numerous PS message boards. I can’t post as much as I used to any longer for many reasons, but I’m always working in the background to maintain this site that’s become a tremendous source of information and haven of support for all the visitors who come to it every day.
What started out as a blank page in an HTML editor has grown to exactly what I’d planned. I’m very proud of every facet of Power Surge including this message board.
Finally, thank you to all those who have made donations to Power Surge. I have thanked each and every one of you individually. Your donations have been helpful in defraying some of the ever-increasing costs involved with running Power Surge.
Again, thank you.
Best,
Dearest
Then, 2008
And that’s enough for this year. I have to save some out 🙂
~~~
So, it’s 15 years since I made that first silly website. I’m still scrambling to get something to post by 12:01 am for your birthday.
I still can’t believe that you won’t be reading this later, calling me when UPS / amazon / FEDex arrives with gifts so we can open them “together”.
We’ve said it once, we’ve said it dozens of times. Even when we’re apart we’re
Power Surge 